Something for FREE

My dear friends, I am going to tell you something personal. I am a most single man and haven't been on a "date" for about two years. Oh, I could say that I'm very busy but more likely it's because I'm just unlucky. Which is why I jumped when I heard that the web-based Yenta, eHarmony was allowing me to plough through the depths of the Pittsburgh dating world for free this weekend.

And, I have learned a lot.

Many people use cute aliases like "Daisy" and "Rosie" and a myriad of other flowers instead of their real names. I believe that this is a tactic to entice the unsuspecting bachelor into a web of terror unlike any known before.

Then there's "The one thing that (lets call her Violet) is passionate about is ____". I have read answers like money, power, travel, movies, walks in the park, dogs, squirrels, and taffy. But no one was passionate about God or friends or doing good things. They probably ARE passionate about these things, but they're not going to expose themselves to just anyone.

"The three things which Violet is most thankful for are ____". Pork, beer, and chocolate. And I'll bet that she eats and drinks all three TOGETHER. With her seventeen cats.

"The most influential person in Violet's life is ____". I've seen mother, grandmother, priest, neighbor and best friend. These are good. But I've also seen gynecologist, tarot card reader, Dear Abby, my psychotherapist, my ex-husband and Delilah.

"Violet's friends describe her as ____". You can simply recite the Girl Scout qualities since the Girl Scout Handbook is where she got these traits. Besides, who in their right mind is going to say gossipy, cheater, liar, maniac and even a BIGGER maniac.

"Three of Violet's best life skills are ____". Dealing with her ex-husband, handling my dysfunctional mother and finding new ways to pay the monthly rent. A close second are not getting pregnant, maintaining a perfect attendance at AA, learning to trust after HE did me wrong and learning how to not hate my lousy lying neighbor.

"The most important thing that Violet is looking for in a man is _____". Boy, I simply don't have room for these. We can start by re-writing the Girl Scout character traits followed by money, stability, being punctual, that he changes his underwear regularly, thin waist, liberal piercings and tattoos that are spelled correctly.

"The first thing you'll probably notice about Violet is her ______". One woman actually said "butt". Another said "chest". Then there were smile, eyes, hair, nasal septum post, personality, neck, scars and "my ability to put my legs behint my neck". Honest.

"Violet typically spends her leisure time _____". Bowling, cleaning, talking on the phone, driving my school bus, getting hammered (drunk), riding my Harley, dancing, calling my lawyer, or spending time with my "ex".

And finally, "The things Violet simply cannot live without are _____". Chocolate, Pringles, my 17 cats, my warm up suit, my Pontiac "Feeerio", my I-Pod, a man in my life and Starbucks "Macchiatos". (Do they sell cars now?)

OK, I'm not being stereotypical and I am not representing that a lot of women who live in Pittsburgh and get on eHarmony are co-dependent addicted psychopaths, but let's think about this. Many say, "Well, I'm not going to some BAR to find a man". Gotcha. Or "I just don't like the whole dating scene today". Yep.

Haven't these people heard of meeting people in SAFE places like church, friends homes, private and company parties or neighbors? Ohhhh, that's right. They're not all atheists, unemployed loners and sociopaths, right?

I actually spoke to one of these people this weekend on the phone. After 2 minutes, I knew that I had to look further. And when I told her that I didn't think that the "chemistry" may be there, she actually said "Ohhhhh, that's where you're WRONG."

Help.